I WILL LIVE AS A FREE BIRD AND NOT AS A SUCKER IN THE CAGE

21.06.04

It’s fun to figure out that every comment of yours can lead me to unbelievable associations of ideas. It’s really exciting to talk for canaries and end up being challenged by issues of freedom. I didn’t have to be a canary myself in order to feel awkward. As a human being, many were the times when I had to choose (like all of us, I presume) between the safety of the cage and the enchantment of the dangerous sky. I wish I could answer that I always chose the second but I know well that great insecurity is hidden behind the vision of every dreamer. I’d like to tell you that I am always ready to defy danger for the sake of challenge but if I said something like that I would be a liar.

It’s true that some times I surpassed myself by doing things that nobody else would neither dare nor imagine. And yet, when hard times come, I am a wreck. I let things go on in the best-case scenario. I close my eyes and start falling until I come up against the first obstacle that will send me back home to my favourite corner. I cover my head with the pillow until everything becomes dark. I sit there, covered up to the point of suffocation. Some times I am tempted to never breathe again. I feel free from the need of breathing. Of course, I am laughing at myself. I throw the pillow away from my face and take a deep breath. I turn around and face the light. A fiery sphere is in front of my eyes. I close them and see the various imaginary colourful shapes. Little red, yellow and blue signs, like those that tired travelers imagine at the end of the day.

‘There will be a day when I’ll get out of here. I’ll take with me only the things that are indispensable, i.e. my laptop and a few books, as well as the autographs of Iggy Pop, Marianne Faithfull and Manu Chao. I’ll hang Melina’s portrait off the wall. I’ll pack my little disco ball in a box and I will cover my out-of-tune guitar forever. I’ll give it to Antonis to take care of it and I’ll ask him to take me to the airport. I don’t know what to do with my dog, since I won’t be able to take him with me. I’ll ask my father to take care of him and not give in to my mother’s suggestions, who will rush to get rid of the dog, undoubtedly. I will not say goodbye neither to my brother nor to my sister. I’ll call them later from the place where I’ll be. I don’t like crying.’
Is this the sound of the airplane’s turbines that comes to my ears or not? It’s my mother who keeps on reminding me that I’m stuck with her care. ‘You’ll never manage to live on your own’, she tells me. I sulk; not because of indifference but because she is right when she says what she says and I can only recognize that every time I let her do things for me for no reason. When you grow up knowing that (because of your disability) there are things you can’t do, there is high probability that you’ll get used to the idea that such things are going to be done by others for you, even things that you can do yourself. To be honest, this happens to me quite often and, no matter how I hate admitting that, the responsibility is purely my own.It is then when I decide to do something that scares me, just to face the challenge. Take the car for a long ride and whatever comes may come. Take a trip to Lapland (I will talk to you about this experience at some point. When I make a mistake, I look at people in the eyes and smile. I’ve decided to play their game. I take the courage and say: ‘Forgive me, I didn’t want that. I am disabled.’. Isn’t this what they want me to be? That’s what I become. It’s great fun. Do you know that I had a hard time being able to utter that word without feeling absolutely anything? All right, I take advantage of that as much as I can.

Problems start when I engage myself in conversation with myself. In that case, I can’t laugh at anybody. I look at my pretty little cage and promise that I will always be finding the door that leads to the sky. I bet that I will live far from the parental safety. Some times, I am stuck with the repeated cancellation of my plans. I come close to the end of the rock. I look downwards to the new life that is waiting for me and turn around. I promise you that I will do this one day, I’ll touch everything that seems to be far or unreachable and I will not even turn and look behind me (another song written for my case). Anyway, when this time comes, I hope you’ll forgive me if I stop writing to you. It will definitely be for a good reason.