BLOW YOUR ANGER IN THE FIRE !

31.05.04


I was very angry today without any particular reason. Some times you tend to feel that everyone and everything are to blame. You look for someone to accuse of for everything that goes wrong and you are even madder when you realize that there are no easy targets for that. You go for a walk on the street on foot or in your car and you go somewhere until you are bored. You step on the accelerator and then you take your foot off, because you are not alone on the street, you know (although you would like to be). Since you don’t manage to make the passers-by vanish, you try to make them pay attention to you by being noisy.

You arrive outside a bar and you decide to get in, after you take a puff deep in your lungs. Smoking might cause people a painful death. And so will you. You open the door and go with steady steps towards the end of the corridor. Behind the bar, the owner of the place pours himself a drink and doesn’t even bother looking at you. He has just quarrelled with his wife and is happier than ever before, as opposed to you, who still haven’t found anyone to get to and haven’t even thrown the slightest insult.

You hit your hand on the counter and demand that you have your drink served in front of you in the next second. A pretty girl blinks her eyes for you. You promise her you will buy her a drink if she manages to persuade the bartender-owner to move, at last, and serve both of you. The girl doesn’t give you any answer. She just crawls under the counter and grabs the bottle with the whisky behind the back of the sleepy bartender.

When he turns to you, he notices your presence and discovers in his surprise that you and the girlie have already drank half a bottle. He is ready to charge you when he listens to you saying: ‘Buddy, I came here tonight to blow up your place. If you have any objection, you ‘d better call the police before it’s too late.’. Hearing such a threat, your listener bursts out laughing. His laughter is so loud that makes you want to run away. You push some money to the side of the girl and you say goodbye with your head down and your walk slow.

You don’t intend to go far. You stand on the opposite side of the illuminated building, while you listen to music go away and come even closer to the other side of the street. You turn your back and you get a glimpse of the view once again. You are still mad; not for the reason you were before but because nobody gave you the right to insult him and thus quell down your anger at the expense of innocent people. Once again, the undoubtedly wise angels work with the mean daemons in order to lead you to the decision you had defended in the first place, intending to sacrifice things and people to the most threatening fire you had ever lit. You will be standing there admiring your creation, looking down on the people that will soon be lost to different directions; others getting away with it and others succumbing to your torture, just because they did not want to talk back so as to prove you wrong when you think that everything is pointless.

In the end, you will be arrested and end up behind bars without understanding it, reading about the secrets of meditation and the invention of serenity. They will find you lying on the floor sound asleep. They will put the lights on abruptly, just to wake you up from the apathy and torture you. But you will already be gone, heading again to the crime scene. In quest of forgiveness and in a way to prove that you are sorry, you will ask your defenders again to light the same fire, wanting to get some help to make amends and atone for your sins.

In recognition of the total disaster, you will prefer to act like a hero this time. You will voluntarily sink in the lake of fire, reaching out for the hand of the girl who you met a while ago and who almost passed away because of you. She will adore you for a lifetime, since you will have saved her from expected death. You will start hating yourself, because you know that you are a saviour and a killer at the same time.

And yet, the most human gods have already forgiven you, respecting your heroic act.
In the middle of the night, you wake up terrified, trying to find who is to blame for this mess outside your window. It is your soul longing desperately for coming back to your body, even if it’s only for one night. It’s just that you have been left empty now, without any feelings whatsoever. No love or anger. Just a breath.