LOOK AT ME EVEN IF I’M CRYIN’

14.10.04

I was washing my voluminous hair, when I heard my mother cry outside the door: ‘Bonatsos died!’. I was not really emotionally connected to that specific person but I liked him enough to be surprised. While finishing such a simple thing (it doesn’t need hard work to bathe, does it?), I started making deep thoughts again and thus troubled myself. What’s life? What’s the human being? What did Vlassis took recently and made his heart stop?

You don’t find it easy to answer questions like that, especially when daily life forces you to move quicker than your thoughts. Some times you are even mad for not giving some time to other people as well, people who are anonymous, people who die without the whole country knowing and yet it’s equally devastating. Personally, anonymity fascinates me. I’m not speaking of the anonymity that protects you when you are afraid of stating your name (like when you post a comment on some blog, for instance) but of the other one that guarantees you the advantage of free movement in the crowd without anyone looking at you or expecting something from you. From that point of view, I would not put up with too much publicity. Maybe it’s because I always feel over-protected. In my opinion, too much protection is directly related to surveillance. Maybe it’s because all the looks of the world are to blame when they are directed to me with indiscretion ever since I was a baby.
To say the truth, things are a bit more complicated; firstly because, as it is the natural thing, not all the people are looking at me with indiscretion and secondly because I figure out that, with time, I am kind of used to people looking at me. When they don’t, it seems strange to me. That’s about where the game starts: Am I looking at you or are you looking at me?

Yesterday, for example, I went and listened to a speech from the Mayor. I wanted him to know that I was there for this purpose and this is why I went to greet him when he finished talking. I found him while the television journalists were interviewing him. In the beginning, I was surprised. I sat somewhere and waited for him to finish. The rest of the people were concentrated in the main area. I was still behind the Mayor though, knowing that it was highly possible to be (without wanting to) perceived by the television angle. Right then and there, I told myself: ‘You are a real dupe, bro’. Either you say you don’t dig publicity or you are next to the crew.’.